SMILING ON THE OUTSIDE, DYING ON THE INSIDE

Smiling on the outside, dying on the inside I had this nagging voice in the back of my head telling me” It’s never going to get any better”.

The demons in my head were messing with my brain, making me doubt myself, making me feel hopeless, and not worthy of accomplishing anything good for myself nor other’s.

My head was spinning,
Thoughts continued swimming, drowning my mind into the depths of delusion.
Words left unspoken, leaving my fragile heart broken as the pieces sink to the bottom of my souls dark empty ocean.
-Electrik_Timewarp K. L. S

The hopelessness and despair not only affected me but affected the people close to me, the people I interacted with on a daily basis. I found myself going into isolation gradually.
My behavior began taking a toll on me mentally, physically, and emotionally.

I wasn’t eating well because the voices in my head were always mocking and insulting my appearance.
My mindset was weak, which made a simple situation a problem because I was constantly struggling with confidence.

I wasn’t inclined to my faith, I felt no connection with my Creator because I never turned to Him( Allah Ta’ala )whenever I was in distress.
That was my downfall. I chose to close the doors which was a means of gaining my strength, increasing my self-esteem and most importantly  I abandoned my Allah. I doubted my Allah because of listening to the voices in my head.

Then more I entertained these poisonous thoughts the more doubtful I became.
My positive visions became limited, my goals were on halt due to lack of confidence. I was always second guessing myself.

I was alone on this journey. A journey of isolation, fear, heartache, commitment, doubtfulness.
I wanted out but I had no clue how to go about it until one day I decided to write my feelings, thoughts down.

I wrote about every aspect of life that had a negative impact on me.
Writing all those feelings down helped me gain control of my emotions and mental health.
I would read what I had written and contemplate, then begin changing one thing at a time.

I started with my mindset – I reminded myself that I need to stop listening to the negative whisperings of shaytaan (devil). I was worth more than I knew and I should not compare myself to someone else.
Allah Ta’ala created each individual in a unique way and granted each individual a unique gift.
We should always look at those who are less fortunate and be grateful for what has been bestowed upon us.

Once I started thinking in that way, the journey to reformation became easy Alhumdulillah.
I inclined myself to my faith.
Instead of bottling my feelings, I turned to Allah Ta’ala and wrote my feelings down.

Today my focus is on myself, my goals, my reformation and not what people would be thinking of me.
I don’t fear being criticized because I believe in myself.
Allah is witness to who I am and He alone is the judge to that.

Whatever I do now is not what society expects from me,  but rather what my Creator, my Islam expects from me as a Muslimah.